Sometimes, There is No Discussion
Alfred (Bruce Wayne/Batman’s butler) from The Dark Knight (2008).
I have said before in videos I have made and here on my website that I am very open to discussion. This is because I grew up in a large catholic bubble where LGBTQ+ issues are ignored because it’s easier not to talk about them. I personally know a lot of people from this group who are not educated on trans issues. For a lot of them, this lack of education comes from the privilege they have in our cis-hetero system that allows them to remain ignorant--because the issues “don’t affect them.” So, my interest is in showing how things affect me, in order to raise awareness and understanding.
However, sometimes a person comes along who claims to want to have dialogue but is actually solely committed to “changing my mind” (I put this in quotes because it’s so misguided). It’s all part of this christian concept of “evangelization” where people come armed with statistics and tactics (and in my personal experience, passive aggressive comments and personal digs) and when you respond negatively it just reinforces their persecution complex. This type of person is so disrespectful of me and disregards my own identity so completely that discussion is not possible. This is someone who is so obsessed with conspiracy theories about being trans that they just want to waste my time telling me about them instead of oh, I don’t know, listening to me and my experience. And if they do listen for more than thirty seconds, they’re specifically listening for information from my life that they can use to prove their points against me. Not only is that bad listening skills, it’s also gross.
But let’s play along with one of these conspiracy theories for a second. If therapists, doctors, and pharmaceutical companies are so united in trying to manipulate people into being trans so that they can make money, why aren’t there more trans people? Why isn’t being trans much more widely accepted? Why isn’t healthcare for trans people EASIER TO ACCESS? These are fairytales, horrible persecution stories dreamed up by people who want to believe they’re special enough to have discovered a secret plot. But hey. Guess what? Being trans is not something that you do for fun. It’s very serious and a decision that trans people agonize over.
If therapists, doctors, and giant corporations were more accepting of trans people, it would be a totally different experience to be trans. It’s very difficult to get trans affirming surgeries and healthcare. It’s very expensive and often extremely inaccessible for disabled trans folks. Many trans people talk about being turned away from medical care because hospitals just don’t want to deal with someone who doesn’t fit their binary. The social structure of society and the way in which we view, enforce, and police gender identities harms everyone (even cis-gendered people with non-stereotypical traits).
Back to the main topic: talking to people about being trans. A person’s motivation really matters in these conversations. You also have to look at someone’s actions as a whole, not just what they’re saying. If someone has proven to you over and over again that they are committed to refusing to understand and respect you, that’s not someone you can consider an ally. If you set boundaries with someone and they try to go around them and contact you other ways, that’s not an ally, that’s someone who is harassing you.
If all someone does is research negative information about a topic, then they simply can not claim to be interested in Truth. That’s not even what you would do if you were buying a car… you would read good and bad reviews, not just bad reviews of every car (incidentally, reading only bad reviews would make it very difficult to purchase a car because they would all seem equally bad). And, if you have nothing better to do with your life than research conspiracy theories, I feel sorry for you.
Your ability to talk to anyone is a privilege, not a right. It is not open-season on other people’s decisions. If you want to talk to trans people, respect them and seek out ways to be a better ally. But please: don’t try to hide your rampant transphobia behind the words “I love you.”
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from the “naked pastor” on instagram, etc