We Need to Talk about Terminology: How to Talk about Trans People
My main purpose in writing this is educational, even though there’s already lots of people talking about this topic online. It’s pretty easy to find out what terms you should use (and NOT use) regarding the trans experience from a google search (here, I’ll even google it for you... this is a really good site), but I want to unpack my thoughts on some of these terms now.
First, let’s talk about words that you should not use.
-Transexual. This term is used in a very specific way to talk about people who medically transition through surgery and hormones, and as such is not as inclusive as the term transgender, which includes non-binary identities as well.
-Transvestite. There’s nothing wrong with someone who cross-dresses, but that is a distinctly different thing than what it means to be transgender.
-Any form of Tranny. This one should be obvious. It’s essentially considered a slur, and as such a very disrespectful word for someone outside of the community to use.
-”Transgenderism.” Don’t use this word. Read this for reasons.
Okay so now that you know some things you should not say, what are some good words and terminology to use?
In my mind, there are two main parts to this conversation. How do I talk about the PRESENT me, and how do I talk about the PAST me?
For the PRESENT me, I am transgender and I am also a man, and I use he/him pronouns. Sometimes I self-describe as a transgender man, in fact! When someone tells you that they’re transgender, you may feel compelled to ask “what does that mean?” because you want to know how to refer to them now… the good news is, you can just ask them “what pronouns and name should I use for you going forward?” and they will answer that question for you.
Part of the reason that I think of myself (and describe myself) as a transgender man is because of my acknowledgment that I will always be transgender (oh boy, we’re getting into the philosophical side of things now). One of the first times I went into the men’s restroom I had this realization that neither binary bathroom would ever feel completely “right…” and that was and is okay with me. To me, queerness is a gift.
Talking about PAST me is more complicated. I was assigned female at birth (AFAB… some people are AMAB, these acronyms are super handy), but I was a boy even if everyone was calling me a girl. So I see myself as having a boyhood, especially because my parents were actually super cool about having a gender non-conforming younger child (the tune changed to rampant transphobia when I came out as an adult at age 28). But anyway this is the part you need to know: don’t ever say “when he was a girl.” Gender him correctly backwards in time. Sounds weird but it’s simply the right thing to do.
So there you have it. Being trans kind of involves becoming adept with language and with the philosophy of gender in society. Being an ally means listening to what trans people tell you and using the language they’re comfortable with. Bam!
—