I just came across this really excellent article, “Detransition as Conversion Therapy: A Survivor Speaks Out” by Ky Schevers. Ky was assigned female at birth, and then transitioned to male after experiencing complex gender feelings. But then he got involved with a group of feminists who deny and seek to eliminate the trans experience and he decided to detransition and try to reclaim femininity and womanhood and live as a woman. This ultimately did not work, and now he is finding his way back to his trans identity with all its complications. The article he wrote is a breakdown of what he experienced during that process. 

“I was part of a larger community of detransitioned women and re-identified women, a community heavily influenced by radical feminist and lesbian separatist theory and culture. Together we worked to support each other in healing from “female disidentification” and reconnecting with being women.” (Ky’s article)

Although I was never part of a feminist community like the one Ky talks about here, I was heavily involved in many catholic spaces (youth groups, attending the “super catholic” university Franciscan University, attended different Opus Dei groups, etc) where I always walked a strange line: my masculine preferences and clothing/style choices were never overtly denied, but all the messaging about gender I received was heavily weighted towards articulating and maintaining traditional roles in a binary. I heard all about John Paul II’s concept of complementarity, and related ideas of men as “giver” and woman as “receiver.” I attended plenty of retreats where the talks for women were about modesty and the talks for men were about pornography.

Prior to my own self-acceptance and social + physical transition to male, I tried to square my own gender dysphoria and religious faith by choosing to make up my own definition of woman. Surely the ideas of a 1950’s subservient and submissive wife were things of the past, and not particularly catholic ones at that… right? The catholic church claims to distinguish itself from protestant / christian counterparts by having one set of beliefs accepted by all members. Whether or not something or someone is catholic becomes a hotly debated topic, especially in the United States where catholicism has taken on a much more fundamentalist flavor than in other countries (root beer or coke, anyone?). So even the ability to define women in the catholic church becomes a complex process, where you’ll get different definitions from different people. There are some catholics who define women as only wearing skirts and dresses, always wearing a head covering in church, and being obedient to their husband as they are obedient to God, even in cases of abuse. There are other catholics who believe a woman should be able to get divorced, have equal authority in the family as the man, and wear whatever she likes, get tattoos, dye her hair, etc. Of course the first kind will tell you that the second kind aren’t really catholics. This environment made it extremely difficult for me to arrive at a definition of woman for myself that would both make me comfortable AND be acceptable to any other catholic I might encounter. Although I was never confronted about my masculine presentation, I did receive markedly different treatment from the women around me. I also got all kinds of questions that I found inappropriate—lots of inquiries into my personal life, especially related to dating.

“I followed the radical feminist prescription for “curing” transmasculinity. I tried living as a butch woman who was completely woman and female-identified. I worked to expand my definition of womanhood and examine the effects of living in a misogynistic and homophobic society. I did “consciousness raising” with other detrans women, where we processed our experiences through a radical feminist lens. I challenged any internal sense of gender that wasn’t female, learning how to reinterpret, disconnect from and/or suppress my feelings. I learned to emphasis [sic] any commonalities I shared with women since one of the central problems of “female disidentifcation” was feeling different from them. I sought out strong gender nonconforming women as friends, mentors and role models. I read a ton of books on radical feminism and radical lesbian culture and attended lesbian feminist gatherings. At one point, most of the people I hung out with on the regular basis were radical feminist lesbians.” (Ky’s Article)

This paragraph from Ky’s article is probably the one I identify with the most, despite the fact that we were in environments that some might call diametrically opposed: mine explicitly religious and his explicitly feminist. If you replace all of the things he talks about above with religious things instead, it could describe my experience. I tried living as a woman who just had masculine interests. I worked on expanding my definition of womanhood, looking into all of the different definitions in the church and trying to find a scrap of something I could hold on to. I poured over multiple different viewpoints and sources on femininity, reading tons of books, articles, blogs, and watching videos from many orthodox sources. I examined my sexuality, I prayed, I went to multiple catholic therapists, I looked inside of myself for any hint of identification with what was being presented to me as feminine and found... nothing.

So, I rejected all of those definitions for awhile and thought I would just be my own kind of woman without accepting any of those behaviors or rules. I was absolutely living as a gender non-conforming woman at that time. This was a big relief, because I stopped judging myself by all of those definitions… but it didn't solve the problem where I was all-the-while actively relating to the masculine. I was free to be myself, but others were still seeing me as female and putting female expectations on me. Other people were still asking me incredibly inappropriate questions, prying to find out why I was 27 and not in a committed relationship with a man.

I began the process of transition after I left the catholic professional world and removed myself from catholic social circles, replacing the people who questioned me and went cold when I discussed my gender experiences and identity with people who accepted and supported me. I made friends with the kinds of catholics who can raise their voices in support of racial injustice, who can be allies to the queer community, and who call me by my name and use the right pronouns for me.

“After a certain point it was just too much. Why did I have to work so hard to be a woman if that’s what I really was? Why did it even matter so much what gender I felt like? Why expend so much time and energy trying to micromanage my thoughts and feelings, my very sense of self? It wasn’t making me happy, it was making me miserable. I felt like I was brainwashing myself, trying to change what I was to make other people happy. I knew if I came out as trans, many people I knew and cared about would see me as delusional. I couldn’t imagine staying in the detrans and radical lesbian feminist communities as an out trans person. In the end, I chose to trust my ability to know myself and disengaged from my old communities.” (Ky’s article)

You can see here that Ky came to similar conclusions.

If you're also wondering how I felt transition was appropriate and acceptable as a catholic, that's almost certainly an entire other blog. In brief I will say that if you believe God has intentionally created all people for life and love, you can't exclude LGBT people from that. I don't accept the idea that LGBT people have been given relationship-sized crosses that they must carry while being excluded from vocations that are open to cis-gender and straight people.

I was really heartened to read Ky's piece, because he's gone through hell and back to really prove to himself that he knows his identity (relatable!). In my extensive research of the various catholic ideas on LGBT life and trans issues especially, I often come across the concept that being trans is a kind of phase or a lark. With the level of hate and vitriol levied at LGBT people, (especially by religious folks!) why would anyone self-select for that experience? I went through a rigorous process of research and self-questioning that allowed me to arrive at the conclusion that I am trans (and that it is a good thing!) and I believe Ky's piece shows a similar progression, while also showing the immense dangers and trauma of not allowing people to explore their gender identity freely.

Please, if you’re catholic and not affirming and reading this, re-consider how your lack of acceptance can cause massive trauma and pain for transgender people (who in fact share other beliefs with you! like the sacrament of the eucharist!). No one who claims to follow the person of Jesus Christ can also vilify or defame transgender people.

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